When we think of what causes divorce, our minds usually go to big issues: cheating, money problems, constant fighting, or growing apart over the years. But what if I told you that one of the strongest predictors of divorce isn’t some big dramatic event? It's something tiny, almost invisible, that happens every day in small moments between two people.
Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned relationship expert who has studied thousands of couples over several decades, discovered this “tiny thing” that can make or break a relationship. And it’s not what you’d expect.
The Tiny Thing: Turning Toward or Turning Away
In his research, Gottman found that the strongest predictor of whether a couple will stay together or divorce is how they respond to what he calls “bids for connection.”
A bid is any attempt from one partner to connect with the other. It can be as small as saying, “Look at this funny meme,” or “Did you hear that bird outside?” It might be a request for help, affection, attention, or support.
The way your partner responds to your bid matters more than most people realize. There are three possible responses:
Turning Toward: This means you acknowledge the bid and respond positively, even if briefly. “Oh, that meme is funny.” “Yeah, I hear the bird.” “What’s up?”
Turning Away: You ignore the bid completely. No eye contact, no answer, just silence or distraction.
Turning Against: You respond negatively or with irritation. “I’m busy.” “Why are you bothering me with that?”
Why This Tiny Thing Matters So Much
You might think: “What’s the big deal if I ignore my partner now and then?” But these tiny moments build up over time. According to Gottman’s research, couples who stayed together turned toward each other about 86% of the time, while those who divorced only turned toward each other about 33% of the time.
That’s a huge difference for such a small behavior.
Over months and years, turning away (or against) can lead to feelings of loneliness, resentment, and emotional distance even if there’s no fighting. It's like emotional erosion. You don’t notice it right away, but it wears down the connection.
Real-Life Examples
Let’s say your partner comes into the room and says, “Hey, look at this cat video!” If you’re busy, you might not want to stop what you’re doing. But even saying, “Haha, I’ll watch it later, love. Looks cute!” counts as turning toward.
But if you ignore them or snap, “I’m working, can’t you see?” that’s turning away or against. Do it often enough, and it starts to feel like rejection.
Another example: Your partner sighs loudly after a long day. That sigh is a quiet bid. If you ask, “Tough day?” you’re turning toward. If you ignore it or keep scrolling on your phone, you're missing a key moment to connect.
Why We Miss These Moments
Modern life is distracting. We’re glued to our phones, overworked, stressed, and sometimes emotionally drained. It’s easy to miss these little bids. And over time, people stop making them. That’s the real danger. When someone keeps reaching out and no one is reaching back, they eventually stop trying. That’s when relationships grow cold not from one big fight, but from many small disconnects.
How to Strengthen Your Relationship with This One Change
The good news? You can fix it. This doesn’t require therapy, grand romantic gestures, or hours of deep talks. It just means being more mindful in the small moments.
Here’s how to start:
Notice the bids. They might be subtle. A question, a comment, a touch, a shared meme all are bids.
Pause and respond. Even a simple “Hmm, yeah” or eye contact can go a long way.
Appreciate the effort. Recognize that every bid is a small act of love someone wanting to connect with you.
The Bottom Line
Most relationships don’t fall apart overnight. They fade quietly, bit by bit, when partners stop turning toward each other.
So the next time your partner says something random, shows you a silly video, or just makes a sound from the next room that’s your moment. That’s the small window where connection lives or dies.
It might seem tiny, but it’s the glue that keeps love strong.
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